Ta Dah!

I just had an idiot e-mail address log in name forgetting catastrophe - which I'd love to be able to blame for my lack of posts. Really it's just utter laziness. Hey at least I'm honest. 

I feel I should make up for the rant that I ranted in spectacular style all too recently (that was nearly two weeks ago?! Holy crap...) 

Eczema is slowly but surely clearing up, well as much as it is going to. Still got a patch on the top of one of my feet that drives me and those around me mad whenever I scratch. And the rather embarrassing (and painful) patch right on the top of my bum crack - not one to scratch subtley in public I can tell you. 

People have been seen in a calm, relaxed, laughter filled atmosphere. I've stayed out later than the hermit like 11 I restricted myself to on one day a weekend during the hellish study period. We've talked about things other than exams. Huzzah! 

Sex is back. 

I've written stuff. Well...more planning than writing, but still.

I've vegged in front of the tv.

I read a book! (The one that was the most chick-lit like on my books to read pile)

I've slept for hours and hours (it seems like all I want to do at the moment to be honest.) The more I sleep the more I want to sleep. 

My confidence isn't at its peak, my eating habits aren't back on track at all BUT I haven't purged since my last blog. 

Thus far there has been no sun lounging...we've had stupidly humid weather recently, but no sun. Just sweaty wheeziness - nice. 

Potentially sorting out a holiday for me and the bf for a week over the summer :D I'm excited, I just hope we can sort it. My mum's being a bit of a twat about it all...not sure why. She thinks we've left it to late but has reminded me everyday this week to sort it soon. And yet today she went off on one about it. Ugh. You can't win. I'm so tired and it's family BBQ time tomorrow, so I best rest up. Then there's another argument with my mother to document tomorrow. And a new weight. 

And most interestingly a new mystery piece of furniture in my room. 

Let's start with the bad...

So I had a bad day eating wise. I skipped meals all morning then b&p :( 

But I had a great day with my exam. I was on such a high when I finished even though I was a conclusion away from being completely done. My boyfriend finished today and he seemed so happy and carefree. I guess it rubbed off on me. We're meant to be going on a picnic tomorrow after my last exam but its been pissing it down all day so I wonder if that'll actually all go to plan. Then I've got work. Everyone's been hinting about going into town in the evening; I know the BF and my best friend are going and so I'm feeling a bit crap. It's not even that I want to go. I don't drink (personal control freak related choice - plus I only like the taste of JD which beyond a couple of drinks is beyond my budget), which is fine at parties and stuff but I hate the idea of following everyone around clubs as they get progressively more pissed. And I don't dance unchoreographed in public. I just don't...its the law. But its prom on Friday, then my Pop's birthday meal Saturday then on to another birthday party. Then I dunno...a Father's day related Sunday. So a fun weekend lies ahead! 

Just the most hideous exam in all of the world tomorrow (there was not one person I poke to today who felt even half way ready for it) but I'm hoping I've made up enough ground with my other modules that I can do terribly on this and still get the B I need. 

Just had a hot chocolate with marshmallows and it's lying all cosy in my belly. 

Recovery from the rant that was last night...

I'm proud of myself for not purging and feel infinately better after getting all my moans out of my system. I realise it's not just me being put under this stress at the moment, but still that doesn't stop me feeling crap. Woke up on the perky side of the bed this morning and am bizarrely looking forward to this afternoon's bio exam. Although I'm still not as prepared as I want to be and am dreading opening the question paper to find an essay title I know nothing about, this is one of the biggies. 2 and a 1/4 hours of biological wonder. When this one is out of the way I've just got the mountain that is a 3 hour chem paper and I'm free to enjoy the summer and do all the things I said I wanted to do in my post last night.

Plus I'm wearing fairly awesome shoes and am channeling the 50's today which always makes me feel happy. I've thrown a semi-beehive in for good measure. Excuse my not so beautiful feet...and once again my more than shoddy camera work. 

Shit...

I just binged for the first time in about two weeks. I want desperately to get it out of me...but I'm all out of lax and my parents are home so I can't purge. I know that's good, its preventing me doing something bad to myself but I hate the feeling of having the food in me. Knowing its there, making me feel huge and so much like a failure. 

I just had a truly awful tutoring session, my last one before the exam and I can honestly say it hasn't helped me at all. It's made me feel a million times worse if anything. Exam is on Thursday, its my last one and in the subject that's always been the one most likely to let my grades slip and deny me the Uni place I really want. Other exam's tomorrow afternoon and I know I'll spend the morning double checking everything for that so will have little time in the evening to cram last bits in. I might have to do a coffee fueled all nighter and risk looking like absolute hell for the ball on Friday. 

I can't stand this for much longer...I know I don't have to, but I'd give anything for this all to be over right now. I've never felt true pressure like this before and it's only exacerbating other problems. Here's a rambling list as long as my elbow (I'm sorry):

I'm covered in eczema. 

My confidence has plummeted. 

I'm being harder on myself than I have in months. 

I'm not eating properly and I can tell another bulimic period is on its way. 

I miss seeing people in a calm atmosphere where exams aren't the first thing on everyone's mind. 

I miss sex...the relaxed, we've got all day alone in the house to enjoy each other kind, as opposed to the swapping my lunch break for a quick fuck variety. Then having to rush out of bed and back to work before the parents come home. Not that the quick fuck variety isn't still a lot of fun. 

I want to sit down and write again. A big fat romantic saga. Or a complicated family drama full of plot twists. Or a murder mystery with a little quirky detective or two.

I miss vegging in front of the TV for an hour or two without crippling guilt spreading through me. 

I desperately want to read a book that isn't about science. 

I want to sit in the garden in the sun wearing very little, working on getting rid of my tan lines without a revision guide and stack of post its. 

I want to be able to finish a meal at the table without having to rush off to learn some more crap. 

I want to watch a film, all the way through in one sitting. 

Above all I want to sleep. For hours and hours, without feeling terrible when I wake up because it's eaten into my revision time for the day or without a lecture from my mother about not letting time slip away because I'll regret it later. 

Ugh...I hate exams. 

Naps and Siblings

Just woke up from a nap (an accidental nap, I'm permanently tired these days and the text book I was reading was anything but enthralling) and it's suddenly about 7 million degrees. It wasn't when I went to sleep, so I was all snuggled up under my doona. Regretting that now. 

Latest obsession (once again jumping on the bandwagon after everyone else had already jumped on and off it) is Brothers and Sisters. Discovered basically the whole third series on my satellite box earlier and started watching (while revising mother...don't worry, although probably not the best working situation) and got through about 4 episodes. I watched the first season then kind of forgot about it, but now I've got a while new addiction brewing. Right in time to counsel me through ER being all done and dusted. Me and Mum cried the whole way through; although I think Mum's tears at the end were more for the lack of Gorgeous George than anything else. He's been replaced in her affections now though by that Mentalist chap who seems to have stolen the hearts of middle aged women country wide :P (based on a short survey of my friend's mothers.)

2 days to go! Then I can indulge my Brothers and Sisters habit all I want. 

The kids next door are playing recorders (badly might I add) in the garden. Downside of summer and open windows...but I've got a pink summery pedi going on on my toes. Whenever I look at my feet I smile. 

Today's Stats + Breakfast 16/06/09

Breakfast

Bowl of bran flakes (+semi skim milk)

Strawberries

500ml water

Jubbly

Weight: 75.2 kg

And i forgot to post last nights dinner:

Small vegemite sandwich

Cheese, tomato and cucumber sandwich

Popcorn

Strawberries

Cup of tea (+skim milk + honey)

CD stack of the moment...

So, my stereo (which still has a tape deck I must add...I'm not letting that thing go, I've invested far too much money in Harry Potter cassettes to get rid of that thing) has a three CD playing swap over t and I pretty much fill all three up every so often and then listen to those three albums on repeat until I stop being so lazy and switcharoo. 

So here's my current stack...excuse the shoddy camera work, I'm going to blame my camera and not myself. 

1. Band of Horses - Cease to Begin

This album landed in my hands after much promotion by the boyfriend and so it always makes me think of him, which makes me smile. Odd, considering this is not exactly the most happy go lucky collection of songs out there. 

This is perfect playing quietly as background music, or turned up loud to fill a room. Over the last few days it's been doing a great job of coaxing me into doing the work I should have been doing for months for my final exams. This time next week I'll be completely freeeeeee! 

2. Phantom Planet- The Guest

Yeah...the OC people. This is an album my brother was recommended, he brought it and being the biggest music snob in the world listened to the first track (the now ever so slightly annoying Califoooooooornia) and it got put in his rejected pile. He went off to uni and I discovered this gem amongst a bizarre collection of CDs that got left behind. I gave it a new home and I love the occasional, guilty listen. As long as my brother's not home to hear it of course. 

3. Missy Higgins - On a Clear Night

I'm unashamedly obsessed with Missy Higgins. She's got the most amazing voice and her lyrics are beautiful. And I'm a sucker for a bit of good piano playing. I live in hope that soon she'll realise that touring the UK would be the best idea she's ever had. Her songs are getting used on a number of the big names in US TV these days, but her LP's are certain worth a listen. 

Every summer I seem to end up with an album that truly defines the time I spent that year wallowing about doing as little as possible but having maximum fun all at the same time. This was most definitely last summer's album. I'm still waiting for this year's to show up (it is only June, cut me some slack) so this is filling the void for now. 

There's an awesome thunderstorm going on outside as we speak. I love the way this happens in Britain in the summer. After weeks of humidity, hay fever and general asthmatic wheezing there's this massive storm. Rain that soaks you after you've been out there for mere seconds and thunder and lightening. Then it clears and you can breathe properly again and the world seems so fresh. 

Lunch 15/06/09

Spiced quorn pieces

Wholegrain rice (+the tiny dribble of soy sauce that was left in the bottle)

Peas

Banana

500ml Water

There may also have been a magnum consumed at some point...

Breakfast 15/06/09

Vegemite toast (x2)

Small glass orange juice

Cup of tea (+semi skim + honey)

500ml water

Today's Food - 14/06/09

Breakfast

Bowl of Bran Flakes

Semi-Skim milk

Raspberries

Small glass apple juice

Cup of tea

Lunch

Banana sandwich (+butter)

Glass of Milo

Dinner

Pitta bread + cream cheese + cucumber

Apple

Grapes

Really really light Ribena (like drinking piss I tell ye, wish I hadn't accidentally got a massive stock of this stuff by mistake)

Water

750 ml

Stats as of 14/06/09

Height: 167.6cm

Weight: 76.36kg

Current BMI: 27.1

GW1: 72kg

GW2: 68kg

GW3: 64kg

GW4: 60kg 

I was supposed to post a picture with my stats...but I'm in my jarmies in bed, no one wants to see that. So I'll save it for tomorrow...

The All Important First

So I pretty much wanted to start this blog to aide the weight loss wagon I've decided that I really must jump on now...bit late to start slimming down for European bikini season I know, but at least I can get myself looking marginally better in my swimmers than I do now. But then I figured I could make this interesting and tell the world (waiting for this with baited breath I'm sure) about my life - hence the ever so slightly cheesy title. I apologise for that now. I'm pretty sure within the month I'll be sick of it too. 

I lost about 13 kilos last summer and intended to shift at least another 13 before I stopped the weight disappearing...unfortunately I've be yoyoing between 73 and 76 for the last few months, which hasn't been great for encouragement it has to be said. But I've got my determined face on now and figure this technology themed dear diary type affair will help. 

The weight shifting last year was helped by writing down everything I ate in the day which generally stopped me pigging out - I hated the shame of facing up to a days binge. I also didn't do it very healthily last year...I noticed some ED type tendancies showing through; I fasted for long periods and took laxatives (first of all to shift the consequences of little fibre and then when i realised it could mean I lost a good 2kilos per session, they were being taken in an attempt to shift more weight - I know, I know it was only water, but there was still the thrill of watching the number on the scale drop.) I have had bulimic periods in the all too recent past. I am creeping on the edge of a pretty dark place and don't particularly want to go  there. If what I'm doing is more public I've immediately taken away the secrecy that so often surrounds an ED and hopefully won't slip back into my old and (what I recognise as) unhealthy ways. 

This has all gotten far too deep for a first post.