Shit...

I just binged for the first time in about two weeks. I want desperately to get it out of me...but I'm all out of lax and my parents are home so I can't purge. I know that's good, its preventing me doing something bad to myself but I hate the feeling of having the food in me. Knowing its there, making me feel huge and so much like a failure. 

I just had a truly awful tutoring session, my last one before the exam and I can honestly say it hasn't helped me at all. It's made me feel a million times worse if anything. Exam is on Thursday, its my last one and in the subject that's always been the one most likely to let my grades slip and deny me the Uni place I really want. Other exam's tomorrow afternoon and I know I'll spend the morning double checking everything for that so will have little time in the evening to cram last bits in. I might have to do a coffee fueled all nighter and risk looking like absolute hell for the ball on Friday. 

I can't stand this for much longer...I know I don't have to, but I'd give anything for this all to be over right now. I've never felt true pressure like this before and it's only exacerbating other problems. Here's a rambling list as long as my elbow (I'm sorry):

I'm covered in eczema. 

My confidence has plummeted. 

I'm being harder on myself than I have in months. 

I'm not eating properly and I can tell another bulimic period is on its way. 

I miss seeing people in a calm atmosphere where exams aren't the first thing on everyone's mind. 

I miss sex...the relaxed, we've got all day alone in the house to enjoy each other kind, as opposed to the swapping my lunch break for a quick fuck variety. Then having to rush out of bed and back to work before the parents come home. Not that the quick fuck variety isn't still a lot of fun. 

I want to sit down and write again. A big fat romantic saga. Or a complicated family drama full of plot twists. Or a murder mystery with a little quirky detective or two.

I miss vegging in front of the TV for an hour or two without crippling guilt spreading through me. 

I desperately want to read a book that isn't about science. 

I want to sit in the garden in the sun wearing very little, working on getting rid of my tan lines without a revision guide and stack of post its. 

I want to be able to finish a meal at the table without having to rush off to learn some more crap. 

I want to watch a film, all the way through in one sitting. 

Above all I want to sleep. For hours and hours, without feeling terrible when I wake up because it's eaten into my revision time for the day or without a lecture from my mother about not letting time slip away because I'll regret it later. 

Ugh...I hate exams.